frost over

maligayang pasko.

i'm a little late with that, but oh well. hope everyone had a good one.

off to the respite of Colorado for a week to ski, shop, relax, whatever.

happy 2004...so that i'm not late when it actually does roll around.

free association. the term i picked up in my elements of psychology class. defined in lecture as a type of psychodynamic therapy where one says freely whatever comes to mind. goal of psychodynamic therapy: to provide insight into unconscious motives and feelings.

that said, here i go.

thinking about the word "love" the other day, as i stepped out of a wonderful hot shower -- the favorite part of my day usually (it's all downhill from there some days). and i thought to myself, love is like the steam that rises up and condenses on the bathroom mirror. you're unaware of the fogginess that attacks your mirror, because you're focused on being in the shower. but the moment you shut off the water and step out, you see the steam on the mirror. you watch it disappear slowly, by opening a door or window a crack, as the temperature in the bathroom tries to equalize itself with the colder air outside. or you wipe off a portion of it with your hands to continue about your business. or you simply leave the steam on the mirror for as long as possible...i.e., until you have to leave the comfort zone you call your bathroom. reqardless...the steam will condense and dissipate eventually, and you'll be left staring into a mirror, looking at yourself square in the face, once it's all gone. every time the steam on the mirror builds and fades, you'll always end up staring at your own image. and the cycle will start again, the next time you take a shower...

/end free association/psychodynamic therapy

did that make any sense? i hope so...and if not, oh well. i suppose i'll come up with something random tomorrow.

p.s. the dream last night was too weird and creepy to mention. i'd rather just forget about it.

the sounds of silence ring in my ears tonight. louder than sirens or that fire alarm that magically goes off every so often outside my dorm room. no, this silence is greater -- it is the sound of home. early monday morning, eyes heavy with the weight of sleep deprivation, breaking the silence with the clicking of keys. the semester is over, i'm on break now. my time to "relax," and yet i sit here, still glued to the eerie glow of a computer monitor...wondering when my next time to write something worthwhile will be.

perhaps in dreams this evening...therein may lie my muse(s). i shall relate them tomorrow if they decide to make an appearance.

question: recurring dreams? not quite. at least, i don't think it fits the term if the same people are in my dreams, but the circumstances and environments that i find them in are slightly different everytime. maybe someone can explain that to me.

oh right. how dare i break my pattern...

weather: mild today. 60s...so i did some christmas shopping. shame on me for putting it off.

mood: mixed-up. glad to be home with the family, but i always seem to feel like something's missing.

book: soon to be [u]the da vinci code[/u] by dan brown. just prepping you for later entries.

music: "sunday morning" -- maroon5. how inappropriate for the day...oh well.

lyrics today that i just couldn't get over. heard them so many times, but still...especially the parts in bold.


#1: "she will be loved" -- maroon 5
[i]beauty queen of only eighteen
she had some trouble with herself
he was always there to help her
she always belonged to someone else

i drove for miles and miles
and wound up at your door
i've had you so many times but somehow
i want more

i don't mind spending everyday
out on your corner in the pouring rain
look for the girl with the broken smile
ask her if she wants to stay awhile
and she will be loved
she will be loved

[b]tap on my window knock on my door
i want to make you feel beautiful
i know i tend to get so insecure
it doesn't matter anymore

it's not always rainbows and butterflies
it's compromise that moves us along
my heart is full and my door's always open
you can come anytime you want[/b]

i don't mind spending everyday
out on your corner in the pouring rain, oh
look for the girl with the broken smile
ask her if she wants to stay awhile
and she will be loved
she will be loved

and she will be loved
and she will be loved

i know where you hide
alone in your car
know all of the things that make you who you are
i know that goodbye means nothing at all
comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls

tap on my window knock on my door
i want to make you feel beautiful

i don't mind spending every day
out on your corner in the pouring rain
look for the girl with the broken smile
ask her if she wants to stay awhile
and she will be loved
and she will be loved
and she will be loved
and she will be loved

please don't try so hard to say goodbye[/i]

weather: chilly. but a dry chilly, since i'm home again.

mood: relieved that the semester's over, tired from the day's drive, sleepy, but still feeling the need to stay awake.

movie: [u]notting hill[/u]. yes, a cheesy romantic film, a.k.a. "chick flick." but i was ultra tired and worn out from finals week, so i needed somethig mushy that i wouldn't have to concentrate on too much.

music: entire albums -- [u]songs about jane[/u] by maroon 5 and [u]room for squares[/u] by john mayer. my two favorites right now. hey, i needed something to get me through the 4.5 hour trip home this afternoon.

subject of post: line from aforementioned movie. stated by hugh grant and later by julia roberts. describes situations in my life, sometimes.

incredibly glad that finals are over. time to relax, maybe take up a new hobby. or sleep. and eat. we'll see what happens.

spent friday night and saturday morning with my brother at his townhouse. met a couple of his friends, watched a couple of movies. good times...relatively speaking. it was a "surreal, but nice" experience as well.

this morning we woke up and he made an omelette for us to split and some toast for lunch, as it was around 12:30 p.m. by the time we were up. he decided he wanted to stay in the city another day, so i said i'd go ahead and go home and catch up with him tomorrow.

[i][b]long[/b][/i] drive home today. but good tunes. and that makes all the difference. came home, greeted by the parents, had dinner and lovely chats with them. and now i'm completely worn out and off to bed.

i sat in silence, listening to a voice i hadn't heard in months, spouting obscenities left and right, interspersed among everyone else's laughs. i remembered bitterly the courteous chuckles i had offered him, in hopes of holding his interest and maintaining my likability factor. the silence between us is deafening, as i wonder why some part of me still wants to be in his life in some insignificant way that he won't remember tomorrow morning. what am i to say...[i]anything[/i]...anything to grab his attention...but i am left without a witty remark or conversation-starter to my name. thankfully, he breaks the silence first, talking about academics or something that an acquaintance would ask. oh wait...i remember...that's what we are now. anything more has dissipated since the last time i was alone in a room with him, i think to myself, as i nod my head, agreeing that the psychology final wasn't really that bad. and what the hell is he insinuating by offering that piece of orange candy, knowing fully well what happened the last time we shared oranges? no, more accurately, what the hell am i drawing conclusions about from a fucking piece of candy? i don't remember being this emotionally unstable, getting this pissed off about nothing, i think to myself, as i thank him for the candy. quite estranged nowadays, and i don't know how to deal with the part of me that longs for post-break-up intimacy. or rather, intimacy period, from anywhere. i still can't say much of anything at this point in the conversation, and he knows the look in my eyes too damn well to think that i'm not thinking about him right now. better to leave in silence before i explode with verbose nonsense about mixed-up feelings and bouts of loneliness. after all, that's what i entered the room in.

above: that's what happens when i'm in a study lounge, avoiding studying, and letting my mind wander. i end up writing that pitiful piece of prose (go alliteration) up there on a sheet of notebook paper, disguised as a history review. don't let it scare you. it only happens every once in a while.

weather: clear blue skies earlier today. sun brightly shining. of course it was cold.

mood: drained, in every way possible. lacking motivation.

music: "just friends" -- lee konitz. live at the half note.

subject of post: see above music reference. also, a phrase i have used many a time, and one that stands true for most relationships in my life thus far. that's good...right?

recapping:
wednesday -- organic final @ 8:00 a.m. not so pleasant, but doable. sleep immediately following. wake-up call to people breaking down my door. turned out to be five smiling faces one year my senior and a box of donuts. mmm, tasty, and very thoughtful of those already finished with their finals for the semester. ate lunch with a friend from tulane, and another from osu. good times. physics final @ 4:30 p.m. far from pleasant, but halfway doable. followed by a discussion about room changes for next semester...came completely full circle. no good. cut into my sleeping hours too. however, heartfelt conversation with the girl who i want to be roommates with. always good.

thursday -- elements of psychology final @ 8:00 a.m. i don't know who came up with the whole 8:00 final business, but i'm lazy and haven't had to wake up that early this semester until then. ah, well. sleep immediately following that, and also packing up part of my room and hauling that out to my car. calculus II final @ 1:30 p.m. didn't prep much, and did a decent job, i think. said goodbye to my soulmate until 2004, as he finished up his finals this afternoon.

and now, it is time to stop avoiding the whole studying issue. for there is still another final tomorrow -- u.s. history, 1865-present @ 1:30 p.m. and then i'm free for the semester.

oh, and the point i was really concerned about? the subject of my post. you didn't really have to push through the ramble, but thank you, if you did so.

weather: nice and toasty...comfortable. in my dorm room. i haven't set foot outside today, but it looks to be run-of-the-mill chilly. yesterday was a nice 60-some degrees too. i miss it.

mood: apathetic. and then guilty. it's a tug-of-war battle today.

book(s): organic chemistry and physics for scientists and engineers. *shudders*

music: "the scientist" -- coldplay

subject of post: self-explanatory. i have no idea what age group i am addressing...seems like quite a range. but i'm hoping everyone's taken a final at least once. at my old college-level-courses high school, i used to stress over [i]everything[/i] there...finals only intensified my stress. now that i'm here at college...finals just get in the way of, well, sleeping and eating and hanging out with friends and everything non-academic. should be the other way around, eh? yes, i know. i really should be studying, but i don't feel like it quite yet. i have to wait for the feeling of dread to sink in. although i've been waiting for four days now, as many of my other friends' finals started on monday.

tomorrow: organic chemistry at 8:00 a.m. general physics for engineers at 4:30 p.m.

farewell for now. until i start avoiding the inevitable again.

"After A While" -- Veronica A. Shoffstall

[i]After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman,
not the grief of a child
and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn... [/u]

weather: i love fog. chill, but so mysterious and pretty outside.

mood: pensive. and extremely so. sleepy. but that will change soon.

music: "dare you to move" -- switchfoot

subject of post: describing my vivid dream of last night. non-prose style.

[i]i had a dream about you last night
someone wanted to take a picture of us
and as he lifted the camera
you stopped him for a moment
because you needed the right pose
your eyes fixated on mine, as usual,
a caress of your hand across my cheek
and then you dropped your hands to my waist
your fingers pushed in ever so slightly
you leaned in slowly
as the smell of pre-rain and clean laundry filled my senses
and your lips rested on my cheek
ever so gently
a click and a flash
forever caught in a photograph
caught in a sign of affection
and then i awoke[/i]

ah, freewrites. maybe i need to pick back up on my rhyming and meter skills soon. well, i suppose that's what 2:00 a.m. posts will do to you. i'm afraid to go to sleep again...afraid to feel that longing and afraid to want that moment in real life.

good night.

weather: freezing rain -- sleet -- gently falling snow -- quickly falling snow. the gently falling snow was quite tranquil...i miss that peace. and the quickly falling snow was a fun break to have a snowball fight. yes, my inner child needed it.

mood: painfully introspective, jaded, but slightly smiling -- all because of a great friend who had advice to give...observations to report to me. about me. add him to the list of 712357129 people who keep telling me the same thing, but i'm so hard-headed that i won't listen. and if i do listen, i don't act upon it like i should.

book: outside reading is on hiatus.

music: "moonlight kiss" -- bap kennedy ([u]serendipity[/u] soundtrack)

subject of post: stems from the end of the mood section. people keep telling me things about myself that i don't want to hear. and eight out of ten times, maybe, the things they have to say are positive things about me. but i have so much trouble believing them, and i don't know why. the other two times consist of my weak traits that, in turn, cause my self-esteem/self-worth/wh atever you want to call it issues. and so i look to the mirror to figure out what's going on. i sit in my room and introspect/analyze to nitpick at my brain and figure out what's wrong. and then i get tired and go to bed. i listen to everyone else -- part of me agrees with them, part of me disagrees with them. and then i look back to the mirror again and realize that i think i'm seeing myself in the wrong light. but i can't "change the light bulb," if that makes any sense. i have this distorted image of myself...and i feel so unsure.

bed calls, and i most certainly will answer.

weather: uber-chilly. freezing rain. and of course i left my umbrella in my room. silly me.

mood: sleepy, worried, and yet, still slightly apathetic.

book: nothing but textbooks for a while. finals are coming up...two on wednesday (organic + physics), two on thursday (psychology + calculus), and one on friday (post-civil-war u.s. history). *excitement* or lack thereof. (does the word hereof exist?)

music: "something stupid" -- frank sinatra

subject of post: not just talking about the weather, folks. my relations with certain people in my life seem to be growing distant and colder by the day. i'm not sure how to fix it really. or if there even exists a way to fix it. part of me wants to work my hardest to make things better, and the rest of me says, well, damn, that's life, kid. you'd better move on your way. people change, things change. i change. i should probably remember that.

today was the last day of dead week. boring classes. but i felt compelled to go since they're the last classes of the semester. goodbye calculus II/analytical geometry, organic chemistry I, and general physics for engineers I. i hardly knew thee...or i knew thee too well. i'll see your older siblings next semester.

ready for christmas break. so ready. i'll miss seeing everyone, but...so it goes. "and so it goes"...maybe i should look into reading [u]slaughterhouse-five[/u ], eh?

off to go procrastinate...i mean, study.

freewrite:

[i]could you tell by the way i laughed
or was it the way i wouldn't cry
to save face in front of you?
could you tell by the way i listened
or was it the way i wouldn't speak
when you asked me if something was wrong?
i never said the words "i love you"
but i was so obvious that i might as well have screamed it
at the top of my lungs through my eyes
and through my verbose-with-a-touch-of-s ubtlety nature
thinly disguise it as a simple "i like you"
"i care for you," "i'm here for you"
old school "you're so cool"
well, isn't that how i should be with all my friends?
"you're a pal, you're a chum"
but you're closer than you think
you know me inside and out
because you're also a soulmate
everyone told me i'd find you in college
but i pictured it a little differently
isn't it grand when life throws you a curveball?
i swung and missed
you were strike three, and i'm out
and i'm afraid i won't find the next version of you
someday, sometime in the distant future
maybe you know all this already
so you won't be surprised to never hear me utter
those three words to your face
and it's great because we have those oh, so wonderful
comfortable silences[/i]

weather: warmer than usual. until night fell.

mood: embarrassed beyond words. very tired, very guilty, slightly melancholy, but halfway happy.

book: still history. gotta get this review sheet done.

music: "the beautiful letdown" -- switchfoot

happy thursday.

last elements of psychology class ever today. i'll miss dr. campbell. she was great...it's a shame that our class didn't ever say much, though she tried her hardest to motivate us to participate. maybe i'll come across her in another class someday...

last post-civil war u.s. history class ever today. took a quiz over how nixon dealt with vietnam, russia, communism, etc. and then wrote history essay outlines for the final next friday.

cheers to catching up with old friends. 3 hours worth of catching up with my "twinkie" (yeah, not physically twinkies...maybe slightly, more in terms of mindset and actions and hobbies...and so on), but well worth it. i haven't talked to her in forever. i think we'll do breakfast together tomorrow. yay.

boo to not having things go the way you wanted them to/planned them to. no work done tonight. and finals are approaching quickly.

and finally...to wrap up with the subject of the post. very close to my soulmate. good. close enough to know that he can sense exactly what i'm thinking about him at almost any given time. maybe not so good. he knows what i don't want him to know; he knows what i think of when i think of him, what hypothetical situation i imagine when i think of him, and i don't want him to know. at least, not on the conscious level. maybe freud has stepped up to the mic and let me in on my subconscious desires. i did learn something in psych, dr. campbell.

do you ever say you'll keep something a secret, but you end up letting it out anyway? in some manner, shape, or form...subtlety or bluntness...either way. my way is through glances, poetry/prose writing that somehow manages to make itself public, and hinting, half-joking little phrases. my subconscience will not dare let me keep a secret to myself. and as much as i hate to let such personal thoughts and emotions out to him about him, even though we are so close, i feel like i must. some part of me knows that i won't rest until he knows. but at the same time, it just embarrasses me to no end that he knows. and all along, i probably knew that he knew what i thought about, what i wanted, what i imagined. i just kept telling myself that he didn't know, kept dropping those subtle hints i thought he'd never pick up on, kept writing that freewrite that he would never read. trying to keep a secret i made public to him. i can't keep a secret. not from him. just like the maroon 5 song. yes, i just made that reference. song title? "secret." bet you weren't expecting that one.

and now that you're completely confused with my vagueness, yawn. bed calls. i'd go into more detail, but I feel like I may be putting things too out into the open. :?

weather: chill

mood: volatile emotions. loneliness, emptiness, frustration, et al. back and forth, like a cute little oscillation. yes, i just described that in physics terms.

book: [u]rise to globalism[/u]. boo for thursday history quiz. but at least it's the last one.

music: "something's missing" -- john mayer.

subject of my post: you know...split-screen, like in those movies or in those music videos. i wonder if someone else out there is having the same thoughts and emotions that i am right now, this very minute. and i wish they'd contact me if they do. i feel this emptiness inside...loneliness. i was sitting right next to my soulmate tonight, and both of us enjoy each other's company, but both of us were off in our own worlds, analyzing our loneliness and why we could possibly feel so alone, sitting right next to each other. well...the latter was my thought process. i know why he felt lonely. but he doesn't know why i did/do. and neither do i.

/end incoherent words.

yes, i wish i could just figure out what's wrong with me. and move on.

flashback: to yesterday. ironically, it was one of the best days i've had in a long time. and today was quite the opposite. nothing [i]happened[/i] to me today. [i]i[/i] happened to myself, i guess. too many thoughts running through my head and bringing me down. ooh, got sidetracked again. so yesterday, received organic and calc tests back with grades that were well above what i expected. and i was happy. and then i received a phone call that my haiku won the contest and i could pick up my [b]free[/b] tickets to the not so silent night concert. floor seats. ten rows from the stage. fan-freaking-tastic. i loved the concert. took my ex-roomie with me too, and she had a blast, as it was her first concert ever. go [url=http://www.maroon5.com]maroon 5[/url] -- you rock my world. bubba sparxxx on the other hand...is quite the different story. the members of simple plan are very good entertainers, and their fun, punk-rockiness was definitely contagious last night.

/end wonderful yesterday

time to sleep. or analyze myself more. or study. blah.

weather: freakishly warm. 70 degrees. and then i hear it might snow tomorrow. go figure

mood: sleepy, recurring headache, happy for a little while, sad for most of the while.

music: "man on the side" -- john mayer

movie: [u]less than zero[/u]

had a friend from northwestern @ evanston, illinois, come to visit. great fun. good spades playing. awaiting organic and calc test grades tomorrow. awaiting results to the christmas haiku i wrote...so that i can see if i received tickets to the concert. had someone offer me a floor seat to the concert though, in case i didn't win, which i thought was very kind of him. that made my day. now for the sad part. my soulmate may be transferring. enough to dampen the majority of my day. it's been an ongoing thing, i suppose, but it really hit me today that it's a very feasible, very plausible scenario. and it scares me and saddens me.

also tonight...tempted to do something i didn't think i'd ever want to...and that really scares me. perhaps i'll leave that for another day's entry. it could get lengthy.

weather: cold, slightly windy, clear skies, and a beautiful moon out. i would comment on the stars, but too much "light pollution" or whatever it is they call it.

mood: lonely (or is it just "alone"?), frustrated, confused, tired.

book: alas, assigned history reading still...until the final is over and done with.

movie: maybe [u]pulp fiction[/u] here in a minute?

music: "the nearness of you" -- norah jones

about dinner...

restaurant: pad thai
dinner: for one
beverage: water
entree: combination pad thai bangkok
fortune cookie: "someone is speaking well of you."
comments: delicious

post-mood: full. and content. subject to change within a few hours.

slept away half the day today. spent last night and the early hours of this morning with my soulmate. we spend so much time together; yet, all of that time goes by so quickly. we spent eight hours together and it felt like maybe one or two hours, max. i'm not sure what's wrong (or maybe what's right) with that picture.

today seems like it just drifted by me and ignored me. all i did was laundry. and then talking to people. and then being very introspective about myself and why i've felt so lonely/alone today and why i have no motivation to do anything. and i came up empty -- no answers here...no answers [i]yet[/i] anyway...

i'm out like the proverbial trout.

it's so close i can almost taste it.

weather: bright, sunny, and winterfully cold because of the wind.

mood: relieved, very tired, but currently happy.

book: maybe i'll switch to movies for just a little while...will post that later tonight if so.

music: "come back to bed" -- john mayer

this has definitely been a yucky week for me. yesterday, i had a psychology paper due, a history quiz to take, and a three-hour organic exam to take. yuck. and directly afterwards, physics homework due for today and a calc exam first thing this morning. bummer. but i found out that my christmas haiku that i wrote was published in the paper, and if enough people vote for it over the other four entries, i'll get free tickets to the not so silent night concert. yay...i hope i get them.

yeah, this entry is getting rushed. there's a hot chocolate with my name on it, and i don't think it will disappoint.

and the best phrase i heard the another night:

[i][b]"when i'm with you, everything's better..."[/b][/i]

thanks. <3>
------------------------- -------------

so...

movie: [u]the last samurai[/u]
splendid, saddening but honorable scenes...wow. didn't appreciate the comments made during the movie by a few patrons around me though.