frost over

Weather: Mild with a slight breeze. Mmm mmm good.
Mood: Ick with an I.
Book: Any variety of Organic Chemistry, Calculus, Genetics, or Physics textbooks.
Music: "Just Another Girl" -- Jay Quinn. Off his [u]Believe[/u] album.

Subject of post: Sleeping outside in the middle of the afternoon on the North Oval underneath a big tree does wonders. Quite peaceful.

Something's definitely wrong with me psychologically, as I've demonstrated from previous entries. I'll finally fess up to it. But that's another couple of stories for another day, I suppose.

I was in a Toyota Corolla tonight, backseat, driver's side, and I realized that I was completely in awe of my company of four. Each of them represented my aspirations for something not present in my life or something I needed to improve. Each of them had some wonderfully simple and untainted aspect of what's worthwhile in life down pat, and I longed for the same. All four together were some unit, bound together, that represented pure happiness...something I've really missed. And I felt very humbled and grateful to be in their presence and was allowed to sample a small taste of that pure happiness. Now that I've freaked everyone out (again)...it was a great time tonight. We went and got snowcones...yum. I had a strawberry daiquiri one. Fruity, delicious, and (un)nutritious. I made a rhymey thing.

Organic Lab final down...Physics Lab final tomorrow. And, oh...five more to go after that, next week. Almost there. And then, the summer. Already made plans for one day of that summer today, too. I'm ultra-excited about it. Hope it follows through, because it would be quite the enjoyable experience.

Naptime. Remember, kids, don't run with scissors. Knives are much more fun and exciting.

Weather: Raining apparently. I like it when it's warm rain...and pretty lightning. And low rumbling thunder.

Mood: Better than before, that's for sure. Just worried about my Organic and Physics lab finals this week.

Music: Motion City Soundtrack -- "The Future Freaks Me Out".

Book: Any of several textbooks. Those finals...they're a'comin'. Dead week here really isn't dead week.

Movie: [u]Miracle[/u]. Pretty good. One of those warm-fuzzy-feeling-inside movies. About the 1980 U.S. Olympics hockey team.

Subject of post: Reading through old stuff and...flashback...

[i]The scent of you lingers upon my hand
And the kiss we shared upon my lips
Falling for you was never planned
Nor were the beats my heart skips

Your fingers trace the curves of my face
To the back of my neck and down my spine
My body shivers in your embrace
Pulling me closer as your lips find mine[/i]

Not sure when I wrote that, but I remember there was no particular purpose/motive/single inspiration behind it. I like writing like that.

It's really funny how things work out sometimes. The kind of funny where you can't stop grinning and laughing and anyone outside your one-on-one conversation has no idea what's going on. You've been open and receptive for once, and then you notice something inside of you has changed. It may have taken a long time to finally get there, but now you're there -- you've arrived at the internal crossroads of inevitable change. And it's relieving to finally make your decision on your own. But somehow, the trail of bread crumbs remain, in the rare case that you may want to take it back to the fork of the road again. That's comforting, but not exactly necessary.

Okay, that's all out of my system. Back to work. Or should I say, starting.

And on another note...I wish I could just teleport all of my stuff from my dorm room to my apartment. That would make life so much easier.

Weather: Dreary. Normally I love this weather, but this seems to be a premonition for the rest of my day.

Mood: Anxious/worried and confused.

Book: [u]Genetics: From Genes to Genomes[/u] -- Hartwell, Hood, Goldberg, Reynolds, Silver, and Veres. Second edition. Test today at 12:30 p.m.

Music: "City Love" -- John Mayer.

Subject of post: Me. Right now. I'm shivering and I can't stop. I just woke up from a dream that jolted me out of sleep. It's not your average oh-no-scary-monster-mommy -can-I-have-a-glass-of-wa ter nightmare. Oh no, it's one of those dreams that could probably be a reality, but at the same time, you know it wouldn't ever happen. This dream was all about circumstance. Hell, he even said "circumstances" in my dream. I was back in high school for the first part of my dream, but it was a different atmosphere than my old one -- much more free and unrestrained. However, the same people, or people with the same intellectual caliber were present. Except that two of my close friends who had gone to my high school for junior year and did not return senior year were the ones who I specifically ran into and held conversations with. Anyway, the day passed and everything was quite pleasant. All of sudden, it's mid-afternoon or something and I'm sitting in what is either a beautifully decorated lounge in my school, or my dream has completely shifted environments to what could be likened to a lavish lobby area of a hotel -- comfortable chairs, soft lighting, warm colors everywhere. I am sitting and talking to two guys -- one of the close friends mentioned above and the other is the ex I've mentioned previously. Earlier in the day at the school, I ran into the ex and I said something about how everything was fine under the circumstances. And fastforwarding back to this quasi-hotel scene, my close friend leaves after a short conversation, leaving the two of us alone. So we talk a little, and the next thing I know, he runs his hand across my back until his arm is around me, traces the outline of my jawline, across my hairline, and back down again with his lips ever so gently, and comes to rest right in front of my lips. More than within kissing distance. And he says softly, "And under what circumstances...?" I'm sure you realize it, but this part of my dream really felt like reality here. At this point, my whole body is shivering, so he holds me until it stops (which used to really happen in real life), and from his demeanor thereafter, it seems as though this was all a test for me. Which I miserably failed. And as he is holding me to make it stop, I wake up. But the shivering won't subside.

I hate freaky dreams. I don't deal with them well. Especially since I think that could probably happen, or maybe is happening. Not the whole high school environment, hotel lobby thing. But the idea that he could test me like that and I wouldn't be able to help myself. What makes me laugh is the fact that he told me a few weeks ago that he had a strange dream about me that really scared him enough to wake him up, which is apparently a big deal for him. He refused to divulge details.

And now, I'm through scaring my blog readers. Sorry, I'll try not to be so strange. But I really needed somewhere to go with this.

On that note, it has been a hellish busy week. Which doesn't end until after my Genetics test that I need to go study for. To recap on the week, not much has happened except that I had a paper due, my last physics lab for the semester, a stress-relieving time at the gym last night, and a moonlight move of a few items into my new apartment.

Gotta go get ready, and hope that I can shake this off for good.

Weather: absolutely beautiful. It's romantic weather though...and gets me thinking about the past.
Mood: Sleepy, but very content.
Book: [u]Inherit the Wind[/u] -- Jerome Lawrence and Robert E. Lee.
Music: "Breathe You In" -- Stabbing Westward.
Movie: [u]Kill Bill, Vol. 2[/u].
Subject of post: Too much eating out for me this weekend...see below.

So...all that stuff I had planned for today? Kaput. Boo...:( So much for taking it easy tomorrow.

Above movie: excellent. Went to see it last night with soulmate, who is definitely a diehard fan...and boy, was he anxious about it. Reminded me of one of those little kids who's waiting in line in front of a toy store to get the newest thing. Or taking a car ride somewhere and doing the classic, "Are we there yet?" x infinity. Anyway, it was good stuff. I definitely recommend you see it to tie up any loose ends from those curious viewers out there for Volume 1. Pre-movie was Chili's, and post-movie was a pint of Blue Bell Homemade Vanilla. Mmmhmm.

Today: Laundry. Saw some people from my hometown who were judging a state speech and debate tourney. It was great to sit down and talk to them for a bit during lunch. Then went outside and *tanned*...or whatever. It was just really nice warm weather today. And a few hours after that, headed to the gym with a friend to work off some of that ice cream from the night prior, and then away to Sushi Neko for dinner with a group of friends from high school. Fun times. Hadn't seen them in a while. And finally...Barnes and Noble for a grande cafe mocha. The guy at the register was very kind though, complimenting our evening dress and offering us free caramel granny apple bars. Mmm, tasty.

And now, as I have done hardly anything and am yet so tired, I think I shall retire. Farewell until another (schoolwork) day.

Weather: Gorgeous. A "let's lounge around outside" day.
Mood: Great.
Book: [u]Inherit the Wind[/u] -- Jerome Lawrence and Robert E. Lee.
Music: "God of Wine" -- Third Eye Blind.

Subject of post: [u]Kill Bill, Vol. 2[/u]. Going out to see it tomorrow night, post-dinner with my unromantic soulmate.

Academic flipside: Organic exam -- 191/200. Yeah, happiness. And then a Calculus exam today -- pretty confident about it, but we'll see. I hate the waiting period.

Weekend agenda:

1 ) Laundry
2 ) Revising Honors paper due Thursday
3 ) Studying for Organic quiz on Monday
4 ) Reading and studying for Genetics
5 ) Reading above book
6 ) Eating
7 ) Sleeping
8 ) Exercising
9 ) Chillaxing
10 ) [i]Something[/i]...maybe writing or piano playing. That would be splendid. If time alotted.

Fin.

Have a splendid Friday and a wonderful weekend. Hope the weather's beautiful wherever you are -- go out and enjoy it. I've come to appreciate the nice days.

Well. Good morning.

Weather: Beautiful.

Mood: All right. Which isn't true at all. When people say, "Oh, I'm all right," it usually means they're not...not fully. This is one of those cases.

Music: "Man on the Side" -- John Mayer.

Book: [u]The Man Nobody Knows[/u] -- Bruce Barton. A very interesting look at the prospect of Jesus as powerful businessman. It's strange to read such a humanizing account of a figure usually seen in the opposite manner.

Lyric line of current mood from above song:
[i]Though we both know that the worst part about it
Is I would be free if you wanted me.[/i]

Subject of post: [i]I can't always read you. I should be able to, after over a year, almost two, even. Every gesture, every suggestive remark comes off and means more to me than you probably intended it to. And maybe you're offended by that -- you say I should know you the best after what we've been through, right? Maybe I don't...I know the side of you that you chose to show me. But I know it well -- better than I know myself...and I'm trying hard to figure out the rest. We're working on the friends thing, but it's incredibly difficult sometimes. Especially when we're alone in a room. The tension is obvious from both sides, and it would be much easier to act upon it all like we used to. And my layer of restraint grows thin very quickly, just as it did before. So we talk things out, like good relationship-ers should...especially about acting upon our impulses. And we come to the same conclusion as before that it would be best if we didn't do that. Only we didn't quite follow through then. When we decided to take that easy path of ignoring our own advice, both of us inevitably ended up feeling guilty...even if only in that tiny corner in the back of our heads. Which is why we had that 5 month period of estrangement...it was just easier that way to not have more contact than that simple little rhyme -- "Hi...bye." I was hurt...you possibly too, but I think you just felt weird. Miscommunications were high then when we each thought the other one did not wish to talk anymore. But we sat down the other day and finally discussed why we couldn't speak much for so long. You'd think things would be better now...easier now, but I feel pretty much like I did then. These tensions aren't ceasing, and I'm not sure what to do. But until I figure it out -- until we figure it out -- it's time to catch up over 5 months and be the friends we used to be.[/i]

Okay, you're right, everyone. That definitely wasn't directed towards you. But it's easier to relate the story (and vent whatever's in me) that way. So...basically, long story short, when we're in a room alone, there's a bit of uncomfortability. And there are times that I just want to pull him into a corner again. But that wouldn't fix things, now would it?

Perhaps I'm riding on false hopes or distorted illusion. And perhaps that's the story of my life thus far. Not sure.

All that I do know is that it's time for a nice hot shower before loads of work for the end of the week, lunch for today, and 6 hours of class. I'll be back later to update on the academic flipside...whenever I feel like procrastinating, as I did with this post.

[i]"Back to me
It always comes around
Back to me
Doesn't it scare you
Your will is not as strong
As it used to be"[/i]

Weather: Past -- Chilly. Present -- I have no idea. Future -- Splendid.
Mood: Past, Present -- Irritated. Future -- I also have no idea.
Music: Past -- "Learn Chinese" -- Jin. Present -- "Back to You" -- John Mayer. Future -- hopefully something of the Jay Quinn Band persuasion.
Movie: Past -- [u]Blue Crush[/u] and [u]Kill Bill, Vol. 1[/u]. Present -- nada. Future -- [u]Kill Bill, Vol. 2[/u] and perhaps [u]Requiem for a Dream[/u].
Book: Past -- [u]Gentlemen Prefer Blondes[/u] -- Anita Loos. Present -- [u]The Man Nobody Knows[/u] -- Bruce Barton. Future -- [u]Inherit the Wind[/u] -- Jerome Lawrence and Robert E. Lee.

Subject of post: I really miss sleep. A lot.

It's times like these that I wish that the gym opened at 5:00 a.m.

Cheers to another night of insomnia. Too much thinking is being done tonight (see lyric line above from "Back to You").

What better time than now to update on Easter weekend? At least until I get tired enough to fall asleep again.

Hmm...well...Friday I kind of did a lot of nothing. Watched a few episodes of Season 1 of Friends.

Saturday came swiftly. I woke up and worked on my Honors paper for a good 4 hour stretch, packed up some stuff, and went to crash at my brother's apartment for the rest of the day/night. Watched [u]Blue Crush[/u]...interesting movie. I guess. Surfing (at least baby waves at the moment) looks like it would be lots of fun. And then watched [u]Kill Bill, Vol. 1[/u] again...Volume 2 is coming out on Friday. Woohoo. Anyway...halfway watching, halfway paying attention to Organic homework. Then I tried to get my laptop to function a little better with a little reformatting and whatnot here and there, but umm...yeah. Let's just say it's in "critical condition."

On Sunday I went to Easter mass with my brother and then Pearl's Lakeside for lunch. That was excellent. Mmm coconut shrimp...plus splitting a slice of triple layer chocolate cake. Ahhh. Life was good then. Afterwards, we attempted to shop, but alas, the stores were closed. So we went to random places to look at stuff, and he picked up a few things. And then I packed up to head back to campus, whereupon I took a few hours to hang out, an hour or so to indulge in food of an artery-clogging and an absolutely wonderful banana split. (All the chocolate and desserts hoarding due to post-Lent.) Finally, after putting off work for as long as is conscientiously possible for me, I wrote [i]one whole paragraph[/i] for my Honors paper. Yeah. Then I decided that was way too much for one night, and went to bed.

And now you've seen how well that worked out. Here I am 4 hours later. Sigh. All right, I'll give it one more shot. If sleep ceases to find me (or vice versa), I'm afraid I must put on some gymming attire and head out. I'd definitely prefer the sleep at the moment.

Updating later on "relationship issues" that are in the process of being resolved. Hopefully.

Weather: Nice. A lot better than I thought it would be. In for some rain tomorrow, I think.

Mood: All over the place. And not in the best way.

Book: [u]The Man Nobody Knows[/u] -- Bruce Barton. Will start after finishing Honors paper draft.

Music: "Falling For You" -- Student Rick. Yeah...all over again. :(

Subject of post: Due to Easter weekend. I can hear a pin drop. So I turn up my music.

Thursday was kind of a mess for me. Good Friday. Spiritually, more than literally. Today was slow...and as I walked back from my last class, lo and behold, there were some current seniors from my old high school touring campus...prospective freshmen for next year. Great to see them.

And now for this evening. Drinking, partying, sex, and drugs. And by that, I mean writing an Honors paper draft for Jazz Age America.

Well, Happy Easter to those who celebrate it. And for those who don't...well, here's to another weekend.

I need someone to remind me every few minutes that everything cannot be perfect. Someone to casually mention that I expect too much sometimes. Someone to tell me that things will not go back to the way they were. Someone to gently break it to me that I need to get over whatever it is that is keeping me from something better or from aspiring to be someone better. Someone to remind me that there are things in life worth pursuing -- things worth risking my "image" or "self-composure" -- things great enough to simply [b]act[/b] upon without thinking...and things that require me to take initiative. Someone to bring me down from out of the clouds to firmly plant my feet on the ground. Someone to make me feel less isolated. Someone to be honest with me when it is for my own good...which is almost always.

Someone to...be.

Also...I'm tired of being torn between two emotions. Argh. It's as if you want to kiss and pull away, simultaneously.

Weather: Fantastic. Cool breeze. Mild outside.
Mood: Good, except...[see previous post]. Physically drained.
Book: [u]Gentlemen Prefer Blondes[/u] -- Anita Loos. May work on the sequel later this week -- [u]But Gentlemen Marry Brunettes[/u].
Music: "Good For You" -- Third Eye Blind, off their self-titled album (1997).

Subject of post: Went to the gym (Huston Huffman) tonight. The last time the gym and I had a date...well...it was a while ago. I'm so old and out of shape. :oops:

Here's the synopsis of my day. Short 'n sweet...just like...uhh...not me. (Depends on who you talk to, I guess.) It's a night of two word things.

The Past: Genetics test. (Needs improvement.) Physics test. (Needs prayers.) Puzzle time. (Intensely working.) Karaoke master. (Joyfully singing.) Huston Huffman. (Athletically inept.)

The Present: Shower time. (Favorite pasttime.)

The Future: Sleeping soundly. (Sweetly dreaming.)

The Music/The Lyrics: Feeling it. Thinking it. (Right now.) [Previous post]

Would it ever be possible to be happy with a physical relationship that had friendship as a close, but somehow distant, second? It seems to me that friendship would make it much harder to accomplish this type of detachment.

:?