frost over

19. I didn't think it would come this soon. Another year gone by. Lots of changing happened...and is still happening, of course. It never ends, does it? I hope this year brings me more of that. Change. Sure...but also more comfortability and self-awareness about change. And perhaps a little more clarity. This is my birthday wish.

Ah, and now...my first Intermediate Spanish exam to prepare for. And then, I shall tend to the rest of this day. I bid you adieu.

Weather: Absolutely gorgeous. I love this 60 degree weather in July thing. Still, or with very very faint cool breeze...slight humidity...perfect outside. Darn mosquitoes.

Mood: Urrggghhh. That's the best I can do without vocalizing.

Book: [u]En Contacto -- Gramatica En Accion[/u] -- Gill/Wegmann/Mendez-Faith . Spanish II final tomorrow afternoon, and Wednesday I start this book for a 12-day Intermediate Spanish course over August Intersession.

Movie: [u]The Bourne Supremacy[/u]. Oh, that Matt Damon. And I heard that he was about 45 minutes away from me for an opening screening thing. Shame I missed it. Shaky cinematography...and I prefer its predecessor, [u]The Bourne Identity[/u].

Music: "Here With Me" -- Dido. From the [u]Love Actually[/u] soundtrack. Good stuff. Fun little movie too.

Subject of post: Pre-birthday depression. Is this common? I just have this incredible sense of...a void. And I don't know how to fill it.

Been a lot of going to class lately, hanging out with friends. Movie watching. Food eating. Good times.

Break. Silly writing.

[i]everywhere i point my camera,
i see, surface-deep, so many beautiful things
and so i adjust lens, pray for lighting,
set things just so, and sharp-focus my mind
but then everything immediately falls apart
well, it's trite but descriptive enough --
i'm tired of waking up to new mornings
to feel so lost and empty inside
i search through the dusty mental photo albums
only to find that nothing in them will ever makes me happy
does everyone feel this way?
or did i just pick up a bad roll of film?[/i]

Hmm...get me out of here...

Off to sleep off whatever is bothering me. And also in order to stay awake for my exam tomorrow.

Will post more soon.

[i]I once met a man who, when asked why he never took photographs of his kids, simply tapped the side of his head and said "it's all in here." I admired that greatly, because I simply don't have enough trust in my memory. I need reminders, markers that point the brain in the right direction amongst the most complex of mazes.

Why is it so hard to let go of that piece of paper scrawled on by someone once loved? These pointless artefacts are the proof of a moment lost in time, but they can never tell the full story.

Nostalgia takes hold, dishing out its rose-coloured glasses to watch the show that is the past as you remember it. This is the show I love to watch, pointlessly, again and again.

Music has a far greater potency -- it can make time more immediate whilst simultaneously placing you effortlessly back to a moment in your childhood, a particular summer of just last week. Songs become a blueprint for your own personal mind map, who cares that 'It Ain't Necessarily So' was written in 1935, it has got all my own baggage attached to it now -- not just the many and varied interpretations of it. There is always room for reinterpretation of a song because every radically different human being has his or her collective and emerging lifetime to impress upon it.

Music takes hold, and it is far more dangerous than nostalgia. Good times, bad times and boring times can be returned to with startling clarity, but it is the moment that becomes most important, where life is meant to be, for there can be no lie in a sweet melody or an evil groove.

The perfect cure for my pointless nostalgia.[/i]

~Jamie Cullum

[i]He walks alone sometimes
Intelligence in one hand, loneliness in the other
A mood shift per hour with a quip to match
In order to keep potentials at bay
An invisible "Ex" stamped on his hand
To remind me that he still carries my history
And some of my heart
Hidden behind his backpack of words and smirks

She walks with a modified espresso
Religious optimism in one hand, music in the other
A thin layer of outward naivete over predetermined innocence
In order to confuse the ones who merely assume
An invisible "me" stamped on her hand
To remind me how similar we can be
And how much I admire her
Hidden behind her tote of compassion and understanding

He walks around with a cigarette he just found
Insecurity in one hand, a match of hope in the other
Maintaining a cold exterior as he exhales
With intermittent expressions of emotional vulnerability
An invisible "soul" stamped on his hand
To remind me that his and mine are the same
We are forever inappropriately linked by fate
Hidden behind his travel bag of misplaced words and well-placed intentions

She walks alone sometimes
Melancholy in one hand, knowledge in the other
Mostly agreeable and always helpful
Empathizing and hiding her own ambitions
By replacing them with everyone else's
But she has nothing stamped on her hand
She only has the imprints of those who surround her
For she is simply me[/i]

Weather: Humid. Cough.

Mood: Bleh.

Book: Possibly starting [u]Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone[/u] -- J.K. Rowling or perhaps [u]The Chronices of Narnia: The Magician's Nephew[/u] -- C.S. Lewis. Or both, time permitting.

Movie: [u]Zoolander[/u] and [u]When Harry Met Sally[/u], in that order.

Music: "Lover, You Should Have Come Over" (appropriate mood) and "Singing in the Rain" (descriptive of weather) -- both by Jamie Cullum, off his album, [u]Twentysomething[/u]. I love it...just picked it up.

Subject of post: Always in this state. But currently cooking up something that I will post soon.

Emotion is a very dangerous thing.
Logic is a very powerful thing.
Put them together, and you have quite the handful.

Timing is a funny little thing. I seem to always be running late for fate. Or maybe it's just that I'm on time because things are supposed to happen this way. Either way, I suppose I should get my watch checked out.

I speak strangely because I chatted with the ex this evening who found it surprising that I called to "catch up"...seemed miffed that I didn't call him before and that we obviously had a lot to catch up on, since we hadn't talked in a while. As if he couldn't do the same if he really wanted to. I just wanted to say, you know, you could have picked up the phone too. You knew I was going to be here for the summer. But I guess he didn't really want to. And that makes me melancholy. We haven't really spoken in about a month, maybe two. I thought about going to visit around where he lives next week for the first time (since going to college has now put me 45 minutes away from him instead of 5 hours), and as luck would have it, I was informed that he is headed out of the country tomorrow. For a month. I like that I just found out the night before and wouldn't have known if I hadn't heard it from a friend and then from him after a few minutes of talking. Sigh. It's that timing thing again that I just spoke of. He asked why I'd called, and after the whole "to catch up" fiasco, I said he'd left me an IM subtly hinting to call his cell. He said he had merely left me a message because I had messaged him first. And then he thought about it and remembered why he wanted to talk. He wanted to wish me a happy birthday about 3 weeks in advance, so I found that nice of him, I guess. Apparently, according to him, I got "pissy" about it last year, so he figured he'd rectify the situation ahead of time, even though it wouldn't mean much since it's such an early wish. I said it was the thought that counted...wished him a safe trip and asked him to call me when he got back. He said he would try.

/end personal whatever

Gotta let this whole boy/girl stuff out somewhere, right? Double sigh.

Random thoughts this evening in no particular order, as you can see.

Now...here's the real fun.

Had my first "Jewish meal" tonight prepared by my roommate and her mother. Absolutely positively delicious. And then watched [u]Zoolander[/u] and [u]When Harry Met Sally[/u]. Ridiculous/humorous in that embarassed-to-say-so kind of way, if you know what I mean, and interesting/witty/ponderi ng but still has that way to make you feel that particular way we're all familiar with after seeing a "romantic film." Respectively speaking, of course.

Headed home for the 4th. It'll be nice to see home and get away from the apartment for a few days.

Happy holiday to all, if you celebrate it. Have fun this weekend and safe trips wherever you're headed.