frost over

06/17/06, 11:14 p.m. 

I am the crumpled piece of paper lying next to the wastebasket
--The potential for a literary vision
If you'd had more ink and a desire for a thesaurus.
I am the smudged, half-filled manuscript paper lying on your desk
--The potential for the best thing you've ever written
If you hadn't grown bored and tired of finding new rhythms.
I am the exposed roll of film in your half-open camera
--The potential for capturing the ephemeral occurences of your life
If you hadn't been so impatient to take it out so quickly.
The clutter in your living space is growing slowly but steadily,
And entropy is always increasing, as my kind will tell you.
I'll do work against it; I'll fight the maddening chaos, I say
As I start the housework you never asked me to do.
Washing dishes because it's therapeutic and it keeps me from thinking,
Making the bed so I'll forget that it was once wrinkled and warm
When we laid and played in it only moments ago, it seems.
But I think I'll save the front porch for last,
Not because it's a beautiful summer day outside,
But because I like to synchronize the swirl of dust
And the subsequent watery eyes
With thoughts of you.
And I pretend that I'm sweeping you away into the wind
Only to collect here again -- at first unnoticed -- in a few days.

I crawled into bed after a long day of airport terminals, and he mumbled a "Welcome back," stroked my arm briefly, and rolled over on his side. I kissed him lightly, but something was different. It was difficult for me to understand this shift as I'd been on vacation for the past five days. We spent the night, as one of my favorite Death Cab for Cutie songs puts it, "like brothers on a hotel bed." Tosses and turns for hours on end as I watched the red dots on the alarm blink 2:37, 4:18, 6:27, until the actual alarm sounded at 8:30 a.m. I rolled over on my stomach, praying for just one minute of true rest, when I felt his fingers gently knead my back for an unusually long period of time. As I was drifting off, he stopped, stood up, and with one word, made things normal again: "Hungry?" as he smiled softly and gazed into my eyes. I followed him into the kitchen, and we started our only very recently daily routine while I was in town. As he made oatmeal, we exchanged stories about my vacation of beaches and tropical storms and his week of work and sunburns. Sitting down to eat, familiar banter, pauses for smiles and locking eyes...and gradually, I watched the sadness creep into his green eyes. He had just set the coffee to brew, and before I could realize what was happening, I heard first. "Umm...I don't think this is working out." I was shocked, unable to think, breathe, react. He stopped himself and gestured between us -- "I don't mean this (I guess us talking) isn't working out...but I hate this feeling that things aren't quite right...I've been trying to figure it out all week objectively. You are everything I've always wanted when looking for someone to date. Anytime I describe to my friends the type of person I would want, you fit it all. But it's like all of the elements are there...except it's more like good friends. You know I'm a quiet guy, and I don't talk about relationships, but I've talked to five of my friends this week, trying to figure out why I felt this way. While you were gone, I thought, 'Yeah, I miss her. But I miss her the way I would miss a good friend.' And it's different how you would miss someone you were in a relationship with, you know?" I remember it. And then everything else said and done seemed blurry and surreal and it was as if I'd had the wind knocked out of me and I'd been kicked onto the floor. I was stunned and speechless. And obviously somewhat heartbroken, though I promised myself I wouldn't be, if it ever came to this. We had the possibilities-of-friendsh ip discussion and intermittent awkward silences. Yet, the remarkable thing to me was watching the dynamic change within this 20-minute conversations. Smiles and gazes became more distant...less and more understanding at the same time. I saw the potential hugs, kisses, caresses, intimate moments slowly slip away as the second hand ticked away, and all I could do was silently scream, "No! Come back. I've fallen for you."

And after it all, I simply wanted to bury myself in his chest and whisper, "I think I fell in love with you and I don't know what to do now." But there were only slowly forming friendship smiles and hugs and promises to keep in touch the next time I came to town. Because I don't know how to fight for him and us if the spark or feeling overpowering "good friends" was never there for him to begin with. I don't think I can change his mind, his instinctive feeling...or rather, lack thereof.

This is cliche, I know...but I'll say it anyway. My heart hurts.  I still don't understand it all...and what exactly is going on in his head.  But regardless...it all hurts.

Well, I went and graduated from college. Such a blur of three years...I don't know if I've realized yet that this chapter of my life has ended.  A short two month break ahead of me, and then to medical school I go.

And I suppose that's all that's new.  Other than the potential of the previous post.  After not having to think about how to socially interact and start things that could become relationships for such a long period of time, I have definitely forgotten how to act.  Insecurity begins to rear its ugly head, and logic is clouded indefinitely.

I'd like to know where everyone has gone on tblog?  I miss reading up about you all.

/end prose

everything surroundi ng is in slow motion
except for thoughts hurtling in the opposite direction,
and there's a pain in the middle of my chest
where i thought there was emptiness.
one foot in front of the other,
but i'm already dizzy from the change in pace,
watching the clouds for some sign
that i'm doing things right this time,
that the future is more certain than i give it credit for.
i don't want to get caught up in the mess of conformity
that i so adamantly said i would avoid,
but it's as if i rejected it all
because i lacked it all,
and now that i have it all
life's contradictory nature intensifies.
the difference between black and white is so stark,
but i wander in grey for days.

In conclusion, my current musical recommendation is the State of Mind album by Raul Midon.  I recently went to a Jamie Cullum (who I absolutely love) concert that Raul Midon opened for.  Both artists are wonderful.  So put a little jazz back in your life.  It's a great feeling.